Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I Wish I Knew What I Used To Know....

Wow, again, it has been a while since I have blogged. We have packed, moved, painted, unpacked, packed for a trip to Iowa, returned from Iowa, unpacked, decorated for Christmas and made our first batch of Christmas cookies. Alas, I have a quiet evening to journal!
So lately I have been thinking how I wish I knew what I used to know. Kinda reminds me of that inappropriate, yet funny, country song "I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good now, as I ever was..." Not that those lyrics have anything moving or convicting in them but still....
There are lots of areas I'm referring to. Like I wish I still knew how to hit a three pointer like I did my senior year, or run a 5:30 mile. I wish I actually remembered all the bones and muscles that I had to memorize in college. But even more, I wish I knew how to be passionate like I used to be. Lately, the Lord has been prompting me to be more passionate about those that do not know Him. I breathed evangelism in high school. What changed? Although I can confidently say that I have matured socially and have learned some tact, I fear there is more to it. I used to wake up and the FIRST thing I thought about was the Lord and how I would CRAVE to experience him and see him work! I used to pray too. I breathed intercession. If you talked to me I was praying for you. :) And more than anything, I was so completely convinced of the power of God, praying a small prayer was beyond my comprehension. My pleas to the Lord were for revival! awakenings! His return!
By no means am I trying to paint an angelic image of me as a high schooler. Nor do I want to return to who I was then, completely. I trust the Lord as the author of my faith, not myself. However, there is much to be learned in reflection. There is much to be viewed by looking back every now and then. To see where our God has taken us.
You know how frustrating it can be when you look down at your shirt and realize that you rubbed up against something and now there is a big stain? (ESPECIALLY when you are pregnant :) ) How much more frustrating when you realize that the world rubbed off on you when you weren't paying attention. Be it ever so subtely, but the world is good at that. Rubbing a little doubt here, a little bit of earthly comfort there. Thankfully our God is a Refiner. He specializes in purifying my heart, my attitudes, my habits. And He does it over and over again.I want to know how to crave God's glory like I used to. I want to know how to love people like I used to. Oh man I want to pray more.....I want to sit back and watch God do his thing! My prayer tonight is for an awakening of my child like faith. And that I would experience my God because of it.


  1. Rebekah, you put words to my heart in this e-mail...I'm right there with you, and also struggling to understand what's happened...where did I become complacent? How did this HAPPEN!?!?! And most important, how do I get back there? What does our faith look like in the adult world? I'm so thankful for you sharing your heart...and as we grow (again!) in prayer, maybe we can pray for each other. :)

  2. hey rebekah- those are good words. A couple of thoughts i had while i read this..
    1- i think we often get so settled into life.. we have our house, our coffee, our whatevers and it's comfortable.. I do this too. i'm with ya on this one
    2- i don't want this to sound like it's ok to not do evangelism but you are in a new season of life. Don't put so much pressure on yourself :) You are a wife, a mom and you work! i hardly see any other adults a lot of the week because my life is comsumed with "home"
    the other day my friend came over so i could go read at a coffee shop (haven't done that in forever) and I actually made a list of things that God was teaching me.. i was processing. But when i'm in the mix of life at home i seriously can't process... i have to get away and get quiet.. especially now!

    ok this is long- email me if you want to talk more
    love you- great to see your face on your blog! :)

  3. hey rebekah,

    This is the first time I have ever been to your blog but I really love your thoughts on this post. I look back years ago too and think about my own life and spiritual life... and I wonder if I've just matured or if I say that to pass off becoming more worldly and more controlling... what the crap? thanks for those words though, I really miss having completely honest talks with you! miss you!