To Be or......

For my readers who have the joy of being a wife:

Twice in the past week I have undercooked brownies.

Now, I like gooey brownies as much as any girl, but on Sunday I made them for some youth group kids and in the middle of the pan they would have almost succeeded with a straw. :)

(Don't tell their parents but they still ate them)

And this post may be a bit more raw than most people share in blogworld. So grab a straw, and listen to my goo.

I am on the tail end of an awesome learning curve. All linked to my marriage. Matt and I have been married for almost 5 years, and I am beyond thankful for the man God has made Matt. He is loving, gracious, joyful, kind, energetic, and beautiful.

But we have recently been on a bit of an uphill battle. Let me explain:

For a few months I have really turned my focus to become an excellent, efficient, and joyful wife and mother. I have been reading blog after blog after blog. Gal dang, there are a lot out there. From how to have a system with laundry, how to save money on groceries, a cleaning schedule, coupon clipping, and morning routines. I became a consumer of these ideas. As a lot of you know, I love goals, I love to feel motivation move through my veins, I love the art of perfecting whatever it is I'm working at. And a lot of these blogs had entries about joyfully serving as a wife. Hmmm.....sounds innocent right? I thought so too. One supermom/superwife/superblogger even (sternly) suggested that not only should dinner be ready when the hubs gets home, but the dinner pots and pans should be cleaned AND put away, and you should greet him with a kiss. Naked.

Just kidding on the naked part.

But I totally got your attention, huh?! ;)

So I began applying these ideas to my daily routine. Assured that these habits would thrust our marriage to another level of wonder-ful-ness....

But, Matt didn't always notice that I wiped all the baseboards. I know, the nerve! He would sometimes forget to mention how great it was that I emptied the dishwasher. And then I would find myself so hurt/frustrated/angry. So if household chores wasn't going to get me attention, I would just open up a big ol' can of 'pick a fight with him and 10:00 when our heads hit the pillow.'

Now hindsight is 20/20. At the time, I had no understanding what Matt and I were struggling with, all I knew is that I felt invisible, unappreciated, unpursued, and oh yeah, fat and swollen. So why wouldn't I pour it all out to him with tears and strong rhetoric? :)

Where was my knight in shining armor? And why was his white horse not fast enough to keep up with my mood swings?!

Ladies, I could go on and on about the struggles and hurts we have both had the past few months. But there is no need. Because God is graciously teaching me some amazing truths!

To be or not to be. That's what I had to ask myself.

Here's a section from my prayer journal recently:

"Jesus, how can I change my focus from 'doing' to 'being' with Matt? Do I approach you in the same way Lord? Do I subconsciously think that I can earn your love?... Lord, I'm done trying to earn Matt's favor with a mopped floor or folded laundry. May I instead woo him, hey even seduce him, with patience, grace, joy, energy, flexibility, and attention. Please renew my mind in this way."

What good is a mopped floor if it comes with a side of critical spirit? Or clean sheets if it is accompanied with a mopey wife? I am learning that Matt does not necessarily want to enter a house smelling of pine sol and dinner ( and definitely not a dinner of pine sol), but a house FILLED with grace, understanding, joy, and patience!

How thankful I am that God has given me his Holy Spirit who enables me to bear these traits, by his grace.

How thankful I am that GOD also desires me to just 'be' before him, rather than attempting to earn his favor.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Let's get out there and woo our husbands with dirty dishes and gracious spirits :)